A Green Christmas

“As we finish up the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational posts over the past year.

I am so totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery!I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed, and maybe it has never been washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I took it all out of every bank, since they are all insolvent and ready to go under, but, now I can’t sleep because of the large lump in my mattress.

I also gave a considerable amount of money to a sick girl on the internet (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time (sent in care of George Soros).

Now I am really short on money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Or, that check from Bernie Made-off will finally arrive! Afterall, he promised, and it IS overdue.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with one of my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and takes rust off of car battery bolts.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up, or someone walks by with a credit card remote reader and steals all my personal financial info.

I no longer use Plastic Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.  Or there are bed bugs in the seats.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Girl Scouts since I now have their secret recipes.

Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks for that great advice I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
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I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the deadly Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.  I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician…Oh, by the way… A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

P.S.: I also now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that germ-infested water splashes over 6 feet out of the toilet.”
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“NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY, AND HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS!”

Author Unknown

Source: Running ‘Cause I Can’t Fly

Reducing your Carbon Footprint

There are many products available to help the consumer reduce their carbon footprint.

Try using this to sweeten your morning coffee…

Carbon Free Sugar

If my high school chemistry serves me right…

C₆H₁₂O₆ is the chemical formula for sugar; you take away the carbon, and all you’ve got is a bag of water…

Saturday Satire on Eco-Crap

An environmentalist dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an environmentalist–you’re in the wrong place.”

Thinking that heaven could never make an error, the environmentalist reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the environmentalist gets dissatisfied with the environment in hell and starts implementing eco-friendly improvements. After a while, global warming, air and water pollution are under control. The landscape is covered with grass and plants, the food is organic, and the people are happy. The environmentalist has become a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got clean air and water, the temperature is better and the food tastes better, and there’s no telling what this environmentalist is going to fix next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an environmentalist? That’s a mistake–he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an environmentalist on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

So excited, it’s spring!

Philosoraptor

 

Philosoraptor takes everyday thoughts and puts a slightly different twist to them, if you like the idea, then visit my blog They Say it’s in the Genes each Philosoraptor Phriday for a slightly twisted view of the world.

Diet what….

April 1st Special

New Green Gadget: show people you’re eco-minded for only $108.

Review:

Plastic Green Planet.

This new green gadget/outfit/toy is made of biodegradable (eventually) plastic in fair-labor (I think that’s what they said, I don’t speak Chinese) factories, shipped halfway across the (green) world in boats and trucks powered by naturally-sourced clean coal and earth juice (“gasoline”), and wrapped in clean PVC vinyl chemicals.

You may not need it, but if you buy it and carry it around people will know you’re 1) eco-responsible and 2) rich and 3) cool.

Source: Elephant Journal I’m not clever enough to come up with this, it’s great.

Posted on: 1st April

Perpetual Motion – Finally Solved

 

Recycle Water

Too close to Christmas to be serious